What do you think of my new glasses
I asked as I stood under a shade tree
before the joined grave of my parents,
and what followed was a long silence
that descended on the rows of the dead
and on the fields and the woods beyond.
Follow my new education blog if you haven’t already!
http://mccoolsrules.tumblr.com
I swear, it’s going to be fun!
Let’s be friends and talk about teaching and activities!
The clouds hung low in the skies
dripping heavy with dew and swallowed dreams,
I sat down to write my hearts desires,
begging the silence in the breeze not to
bring me thoughts of you,
oh no, I won’t do this to myself. Not again.
But we know the night time is such a callous,
selfish soul, stealing sorrows from borrowed songs
calling those sweet words her own.
I felt the cancer between my fingers,
crushed the menthol, and behind closed lids
I quietly calmed the chaos swirling through my mind,
the clouds danced on with their heavy sway,
and the moon poured her milky embrace on
my delicate painted skin once again.
I turned on those soft melodies to drown out
the sounds of the city, but every tune brought
me the painful thoughts of you, and yet
I couldn’t bring myself to turn the radio off.
Somehow I liked the pain that these memories brought,
momentary glances into the past, like snapshots
of our life, times when I was so naive that I thought
love was all we needed, oh, how foolish I was.
But it was the pain that made me change,
the loss and suffering that turned my heart so cold,
and now I love only the silence and the sorrow left
in the darkest corners of the night.
I’m a man made monster, darling,
and it’s all because of you.
I wish I could apologize for my absence, my loss of words, but it’s almost as if the silence has become my only solitude, and here I remain without words, and without you.
There was nothing else to say, but the silence was so loud it became a sound that tore down the world around us.
I am a writer at heart,
and it’s sometimes difficult to explain
exactly why this is the love of my life,
because it seems so natural to me,
as if, there is no other way for me to live.
Poetry, words, the art of pouring my
heart and soul onto these tattered pages
is the only way I can truly express the
thoughts and images dwelling in the
darkest corners of my mind.
I feel sometimes as if the blood running
through my veins has transformed
to ink, and if I were to cut,
the most beautiful black spotted words
would pour forth and break your heart.
I write because it is the only way I can
quite the tangle of words swirling
in my mind, and to show you the side
of me that you haven’t bothered to see.
I write because I love the power of words
and the way they can change the world,
I write for you, and I write for me,
and somehow I can’t explain it further,
I write because that is all I wish to be,
a passionate, eccentric lover, wielding my
sword of words for all to read.
I am a writer, take me or leave me.
He found me when I was broken,
just a collection of memories, torn and
discarded pictures, a mess of a girl who
spent nights finding love at the bottom of
whiskey bottles, screaming at the cold
silhouette of my past on the bed sheets.
I had given up on myself, I was lost,
filling my body with the sweetest poisons
and when my mind was blurry, I would
dream of running away, just driving until
I found a town where no one knew my name.
I romanticized the idea of abandoning this town,
without any notice at all, simply erasing my name
from the humid corners of the bars I once loved.
And right as I thought I was falling,
finally hitting rock bottom, he caught me.
There was something in his eyes, when we
exchanged a look, it was something I had
forgotten existed in people, he didn’t pity me,
there was no sorrow in his stare,
no, there was hope.
It was as if he knew me, just by locking
his stare with mine, like he knew my past,
feeling the pain and stories my
hazel sight spilled to him that night.
And that hope that I sensed from him
was illuminating, and I begged my heart
and mind not to trust him, but there was
this sensation he emitted, a reassuring mannerisim
pleading with me to put my trust in his hands.
And that’s exactly what I did.
I had already given up on myself, but he saw
the beauty through my pain, and in that moment
I knew he wouldn’t let me run away,
he would make sure I wouldn’t hurt anymore,
he was the hope I was looking for all along,
I just never realized it.
Some nights I lie awake
and dream about what it would
be like to never wake up again.
It sounds like a morbid daydream,
this I know to be true, but it’s not
the idea of romanticizing death,
no, but the mystery and bewilderment
that the concept of death brings me.
And perhaps it is just me, but I think
about death in the strangest way, as it
is all around us, and unfortuntely
it’s an inevitable conclusion we can’t escape.
The thought of life ending, the absence
of rhythmic heart beats, of fluttering eyes,
is almost too much to bear at times,
and at other times, it could sound
like the sweetest solution.
But I think about what awaits me,
the darkness that will consume my mind,
because I believe that this world is so
brilliantly beautiful, there just has to be
more waiting for me on the other side.
I wonder who will remember me, and how
they will retell stories of my existence,
have I made an impact on someone’s life
without ever knowing the pain or love I created?
Will my words surpass my breathing, will these
tattered pages survive my demise to change lives?
And you, I wonder mostly how you will remember
me and the nights we shared together, whispering
our secrets to the humid summer nights
wishing on airplanes we mistaken for stars,
and tangling ourselves in our spider web of sheets.
I sometimes dream of death in the most beautiful ways,
wondering, hoping there will be more beauty on the other side.
Our bodies were soaked in that
Tennessee poison, and the moon
hung so low that we felt pressed
to the wooden porche, with out backs
prickled by the rogue spliters.
I saw him out of the corner of my
eye, his broken glasses bound
together with green tape, his
tousled hair almost begged my
fingers to run through it that instant.
I felt my face glowing red and
when my sight was a little blurry
and my limbs felt heavy, I asked
Want to go swimming?
Sure, he replied, with darting eyes.
I began to remove my clothes, shirt
first, then shorts, I stayed in my bra
and tight pink panties. I could feel
his stare fixed on my curves, the
burning from his gaze was enough
to set my tiny frame on fire.
He rmoved his clothes and we
sunk into the water, leaning our
necks on the edge of stones to
keep our drunk bodies floating.
He never swam over to me,
kissed me on the lips, or even
confessed any hunger in his heart.
We just floated in the warm water,
he taught me to blow smoke rings
and I giggled at his stories of
the road, but that was all.
No love story to be told, only the
one I had created in my mind,
dreamt of at night but never came
true that night where I wated to
reach out and touch the moon.
He called me his sunflower,
said I reminded him of
those remarkable flowers
always caught half way
between living and dying.
My little spurts of happiness
the glow reflected off
my smile, the brightness of
my heart lighting this whole town.
But then there are my sudden
plagues of sadness, depression
where I remain in bed
for days on end, wallowing
in self-loathing, that’s
why I’m a sunflower.
I notice the beauty
in this world, but soemtimes
I allow the ugly, miserable
truths to take possession
of my mind, filling my
heart with hate and misery.
Sometimes I feel like
I’m wasting away when
there is no beauty in this
empty world to look forward to.
I know I can’t be alone,
at some point we are all caught
in this real life purgatory,
but sometimes you just can’t
help but to be a sunflower.
So today is my anniversary with Lucian and I found a poem I wrote about him a year ago, I’ve already posted it, but given this special day I thought I’d post it again.
Thoughts?
I have spent countless nights
wishing on stars, and have wasted so
many precous humid afternoons
staring up at the clouds in the sky,
daydreaming my sanity away.
I’ve sat with this pen sewn into
my dainty palm, pouring my heart
onto these tattered pages, and
I would pretend that my blood
had turned to ink, that the words
would simply flow from me.
And then something changed, I could
see it hidden between the hazel tint
of your eyes, but the silence hung heavy
on my parted lips as I searched for the man
I once knew, and the words to bring him back.
And that’s when the distance truly
began, it was like this strange force
was separating us at a rapid pace.
I remember nights where we would lie
face to face, with the tips of our noses
brushing together, whispering our secrets
to the darkest shades of the night, and
we would wake up tangled in the sheets
locked in a warm embrace.
I remember when I would smile just
at the sound of your name, and you,
oh, how you looked at me, it was as if
I was the only splash of color
in this gray washed town.
But something changed, and when
I wake up each morning, with your back
facing me, I wonder how we have
become strangers to each other.
Some nights I lie awake, thinking that
maybe if I could remember the exact
moment where things began to
unravel, when the spark in our eyes
first began to dwindle, the precise
string of moments when we slowly
started to drift away from each other,
that perhaps I could change things.
If only I could remember what created
the growing distance between our hearts,
if I could kiss you from this haze, if I could
just get you to remember me, and the way
you once loved me, maybe you would come back.
Ok, so I’ve been kind of MIA because of FCATs and teaching as of late, but my school does this “field day” thing where we spend a day doing outdoor activities and races and it’s really fun for the kids, and I’m suuuuper excited!
We have to come up with team names for our class, and they are used to alliteration themes. So I need help/suggestions/fun ideas for a name for my team!
I want to surprise them with some great ideas, and I need some help!
My last name is McCool, could you give some fun suggestions for names for our team?!
Come on, it’s for the kids! And the winning vote gets put on team shirts and I’ll have a ton of pictures!
Please help!!
