He found me when I was broken,

just a collection of memories, torn and

discarded pictures, a mess of a girl who

spent nights finding love at the bottom of

whiskey bottles, screaming at the cold

silhouette of my past on the bed sheets.

I had given up on myself, I was lost,

filling my body with the sweetest poisons

and when my mind was blurry, I would

dream of running away, just driving until

I found a town where no one knew my name.

I romanticized the idea of abandoning this town,

without any notice at all, simply erasing my name

from the humid corners of the bars I once loved.

And right as I thought I was falling,

finally hitting rock bottom, he caught me.

There was something in his eyes, when we

exchanged a look, it was something I had

forgotten existed in people, he didn’t pity me,

there was no sorrow in his stare,

no, there was hope.

It was as if he knew me, just by locking

his stare with mine, like he knew my past,

feeling the pain and stories my

hazel sight spilled to him that night.

And that hope that I sensed from him

was illuminating, and I begged my heart

and mind not to trust him, but there was

this sensation he emitted, a reassuring mannerisim

pleading with me to put my trust in his hands.

And that’s exactly what I did.

I had already given up on myself, but he saw

the beauty through my pain, and in that moment

I knew he wouldn’t let me run away,

he would make sure I wouldn’t hurt anymore,

he was the hope I was looking for all along,

I just never realized it.

This is not the first time these thoughts
have flooded my mind, swept in at
some insignificant moment, and drained
the air from my tar stained lungs.
The memories, oh, how I wish I could
tear them from my mind,
drink them out of my heart,
smoke them from my chest,
anything to rid my harmless mind
of the very thought of you.

It’s strange how memories stay,
the ones that shape, mold, transform you,
and how you don’t choose the moments
to remember, but sometimes its simply
the ones that cut the deepest, made you
bleed the deepest crimson hue, release
the cascading warmth from your eyes,
those are the moments that stay with us.

There are specific ones I wish to forget,
I have begged, pleaded, bargained with
my mind to release, but there are still these
winter nights where I wake up alone, tangled
in these damp linen monsters, reaching out
for you, screaming your name.
And sometimes, I think my mind is my worst
enemy, the way it manipulates reality,
how I often struggle to separate the real world
from my darkest nightmares,
oh, how cruel the human mind can be.

To where I almost believed you were
coming back, how silly the heart and mind
can work, but it was simply a dream my
hopeless mind created, to keep me sane.

I have been alone for a very long time now,
and to be honest, it never gets easier.

It took me a while to forget you,
who am I kidding, it took me a lifetime,
weeks, months, years, to repress the sweet
memories of your face, the taste of your kiss.
But I remember the exact moment, where
I finally let you go.

I had met someone else, who had
bright hazel eyes and created the most
magnificent words with the twist of his
wrist, a writer, a dreamer, a passionate lover.
And we shared our secrets, poured our hearts
out, whispering dreams to the empty bottles
of whiskey that laid before us, but something,
oh, there was something that felt so strange.

It was almost as if you were there with us,
you were trapped in my mind, and even with
someone else opening their chest to me,
running their fingers through my hair and
kissing me so lightly, with their eyes shut
so tightly, I couldn’t shake you from my sight.

But there was this moment, I’ll never forget it,
when he and I were sharing a glass of wine on
the porch, watching the stars, when I thought
of your face, except it wasn’t your face anymore,
no, I couldn’t remember what you looked like.
And then I tried to think of your kiss, or the
warmth of your touch, and those memories had
escaped my mind too. I thought I should be sad,
but the absent images of you lightened my stride,
lifted a weight from my heart, as if I could finally
give it away to someone new, a person who
truly deserved me.

It took me years, but I finally let you go,
like a nightmare, you will remain just a
sheer thought and a reminder of the pain
I had to endure to find true love.

The sun broke through the clouds,
bringing a warmth to my chilled bones
it’s about time, I was wondering if the
world had suddenly stopped, or perhaps
the simply forgot to rise.
Silly thoughts cross my mind in the early
dew soaked mornings, but I sat there on
the porch, drinking in the dawn and
replaying moments we had shared together
in my mind, over and over, like an
old fashioned movie reel.

I memorized conversations, saved
messages, notes, letters you used to
leave me to find before I left for work,
and I still can’t figure it out for the life of me.
When, where did it all go wrong?

We were so passionate, excited, silly,
the only relationship where the only time
I had ever cried, was from laughing so hard.
We ate breakfast in bed, celebrated silly
anniversaries just for another excuse to get all
dressed up and go out on a fancy date, you
would stare as I walked out of the room in those
tight dresses, my painted skin glowing, and I
will never forget the way you looked at me, as if
I was the only girl that has ever existed.

But here I am, playing those moments over and over
in my mind while the sun is beginning to rise, and
you, well, you’re still in bed, but not our bed.
I know it sounds silly, but I continue to think that
maybe, just maybe, I can find out where it all
went wrong in one of those moments, the letters, notes,
and if I erase it, maybe time would expel that moment too.

I know it sounds silly, but I’m still just searching
for a way to change what we could not see,
and bring you back to me.

I placed my hand on his
thick callused skin
I could feel the warmth of his
rough flesh radiating love.
We laid there nestled between
the wild blades of grass,
hidden in the hollow
of this velvet morning.

Cold, lonely trees
huddled together in the distance,
a skeletal memories of spring,
for some reason, they looked
so distraught there, that I felt a sense
of pity for those barren branches,
The frost lined breeze made them
shiver crinkled leaves, trembling
like pages to the brown
patches of earth.

I stood up and brushed the
rogue bits of soil from my dress,
I never turned around to say goodbye,
but you never stopped me either.
I can tell this have changed,
but it doesn’t mean they are better.

I’m searching for midnight
waiting for solace, and it’s
in this silence
I roam alone.

I’ve heard the sky is falling, the Earth is spinning, but sadly, since you left, I try, but I can’t feel a thing.

The sun has retired, the sky
is bleeding shades of blue
the moon shines for me
as I used to shine for you

This is how I’ll remember the moon
the shade hanging in the night
the trees whisper to each other,
how I imagine my lover’s
touch must seem so delicate.
The warmth of an embrace
the dreams of tomorrow
and what they will bring
still gripping the past
burning the memories.
You were no more important than the last,
and this is how I will remember you.

The night unfolds, here
birds sing their songs of silence
to me, and become frozen air.

I don’t sleep at night anymore
I’m plagued by these nightmares,
but I’m tired of keeping you
in my worthless thoughts and prayers.
Sick of counting, keeping track of
the kisses and stares we once shared.
I paint my eyelids with the darkest
shades of black, focusing my sight
to the dripping moss between trees.
I keep my eyes glued to the sun
waiting to burn out my sight,
wishing these rays would shine
through my mind, wipe out
the memory of your face.
It burns so badly, but I won’t look away.

The crumpled photograph lies on
the floor, speckled with dirt thats
come loose from my shoes.
Porch lights case shadows in the night,
and when it’s biter and cold out,
I swore I felt you lingering near.
Remember when you’d transform
your fingers into a false cigarette,
mocking me and my cancer qualities,
invisible smoke escaping soft lips.

It’s that wide mouth I want to forget,
that smile revealing chipped teeth,
with knuckle imprints on ivory stone.
Those lips, oh, those delicate,
soft pillows, so perfect and inviting.

If I could forget that smile, the taste
of lust and deceit on your tongue,
I would be rid of these terrors that
haunt me during the darkest hours,
and I could sleep peacefully once more.

These memories are like
absent lovers, reappearing
in our lives, in our minds
to simply drive us insane.

I blame this empty bottle
in my hand on the deafening
silence ringing in my ears,
on the madness and resentment
creating a black cloud of
smoke in my frail lungs.

I waited for months, years,
poisoning my mind to erase
these images and moments
trapped there, begging each
bottle to please, ride me
of these pains that keep me
awake at night.

I just want to dream again.
These memories have found
a way to break me, so now
I wait only for death’s cold kiss,
the eternal slumber, my only
release from these sleepless
nights where sadly, you’re
all that’s on my mind.

Give me back those wasted years
the empty promises, the tears.
Figure out a way to give me back
the memories and moments we shared,
the emotions that were false when you
had me convinced you truly cared.

I tried to read what was behind
your sullen eyes, but the whiskey had
replaced my blood flow and our
eyes never met, like the stars never aligned.
The air was thick with smoke that hung
in this small room, I coughed and gagged
and you sat silent so proud of your coal miner’s lung.

Give me back the nights I’ve spent in bed
sobbing alone while I try to erase these images,
the words you spoke, screaming in my head.
Give me back the hours, days, months, years
that I spent kissing you softly, singing you to sleep,
just give it all back to me.

We whispered those sweet
little lies to each other, I felt
the warmth of his breath, which
left the intoxicating aroma of
whiskey to dangle in front of
my nose, the split ends of his
beard tickled my skin as he
took his time, kissing
every inch of my body.

I swore I’d never love you,
but at least I warned you on
the first night we became tangled
in my sheets.

I said there was a wall here,
bricks in the shape of pain
from the past and memories
of heartache as the cement.
I’ll never kiss you before
midnight, after my lips have
kissed a few bottles, but maybe
those nights we could pretend
just until the sun comes up
and my blood isn’t so thin,
that we are in love.

He lightly kissed my eyelids,
and whispered softly into my neck:
Honey, we are writers, love does
not exist and we know this.
So let’s drink until we are gone
from this reality, where we can
be in lust, calling it whatever we wish.

And for once, in that moment
I let myself go.

I am the mighty river
with turbulent waters
carrying stories from North
to South, these banks
have seen better days
Footprints make the memories
of travelers, stealing pebbles
from my shore, drinking the
water of my liquid veins
I am the blue mirror
ripples parting the reflected
sky, and I flow on
chasing seasons
with or without you.

You were everywhere
I would look, each time
I turned my head, another
object, person, smell, place
that would bring memories
of you rushing back like the
turbulent tides, the painful
ache that I convinced myself
was a disease eating my
organs from the inside out
to spread over my skin
and swallow me whole.

I burned each memory
from my lungs with those
white sticks of cancer,
trying to reach my heart.
I drowned my liver with
whiskey and any burning
liquid I could find.
I erased memories from
my mind with blacked out
nights, with over consumption,
and lust around town.
But you were still there
every time I turned my head.
So now I walk with my
eyes sewn shut.

I torture myself
by visiting those places
weeping over pictures
dreaming of the words
you once spoke.
Why do I insist on suffering?

Remember how we were in love
just for a little?
How these memories, unfortunately
will stay with me forever.
This afflicted heart of mine,
now one filled with ice
numbing the pain of your absence,
of the day you simply said
I don’t love you.