In a relationship, I believe physical as well as emotional roles play a part in sustaining a healthy and strong relationship. But what happens when the physical relationship fizzles out and becomes close to nothing, yet the emotional side is still strong?

Do you end a relationship because of someone’s lack of sexual attention and awareness? Sounds silly, but what if that lack has been brought up, and has yet to be mediated, but in turn makes you feel less than attractive? No, it makes you feel ugly, unwanted, disgusting, untouchable, and anything but perfect. What if it makes you cry at night, seeing only the cold shoulder of the one you love, wanting to reach out, but knowing you won’t receive the smoldering gaze and touch you offer?

Then what do you do?

I’m going to go on a bit of a rant right now, why? Because I am so full of words and thoughts, and things to say that I feel I need to pour it out on paper before these letters start to mold themselves together, acting as fingers turning into hands, and wrap so tightly around my throat, suffocating the air from my dry lips. Or perhaps that has already begun to happen.

There are countless words that I could use to describe myself, but only one world holds the weight of my heart, my passion, and my life. I am a teacher. I teach 8th grade AP Reading and Language Arts, and I have worked through two B.A.’s and two Master’s to finally achieve the career of my dreams, only to find myself crawling into my humble apartment after a long day of pacing the classroom in 5 inch heels, to have a glass of wine and often times cry under the weight of it all. But isn’t this what I asked for? Isn’t this the life I wanted? Yes and no.

I am a teacher because I value the power of knowledge, of an education. I take it seriously, the art of learning and acquiring information, and I encourage all of my students to do the same. But that is not always the case. I find myself almost begging students to submit assignments, to read for information, not to simply sound out words on a page, and the response (or reaction) that I receive is like I just asked them to invent a new physics equation. There are days like today, where I am so lost to find a way to reach them, as I feel I used to. I tell them time and time again, there are only so many ways that I can make grammar and reading fun with activities, games and interactive assignments, and that sometimes they have to listen to a lesson and study for an upcoming test.

And I try to remember the students that help me realize I am truly making a difference. The students who approach me with a book I recommended, confessing how it changed their whole perspective on the act of reading, that they are hooked, and are hungry for more novels to devour. The students who come to me and say how I really helped them understand an area of concern regarding verb tenses, as their English is somewhat limited or broken. And the students who tell me how I listen to them, not treating them as “students,” or “children,” but as real human beings, and how it helped them through a difficult point in their life. And I realize, not only am I a provider of information, a guide to knowledge, but I am a also a role model to these students, someone they can turn to for help on assignments, advice, or moral support.

And I realize, there are some difficult days and difficult students, but in the end, I know deep down (as cheesy as it sounds) that I am truly making an impact in each of their lives, as they are making a difference in mine. I became a teacher because I have a passion for learning, and to be honest, they too have a way of teaching me things every day. How to be patient, how to be caring and forgiving, and how to see the silver lining of every cloudy day.

So, perhaps today was just another cloudy day, but I plan on relaxing on the couch, thinking of some new activities to include in tomorrow’s lessons, and drink a glass of wine with my boy. To all of my teacher friends out there, trust me, I know we all have difficult days, but we need to remember why we chose this path in the first place, and appreciate the difference we are all making for these students.

There are many words that can describe me, but teacher is the one that fits best.

Tumblr isn’t letting me post my poetry because it keeps screwing up my line breaks!

Alright, this is seriously bumming me out; I haven’t had a chance to get to my laptop in a few days because I was out of town, and now I finally have so much to write, but it won’t post properly?

Horse shit, that’s what this is.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just respond to a bunch of messages and complain more.

Let’s chat.

Well, hello there, lovely followers!

So, I have been receiving an abundance of messages over the past couple of months asking some strange, but somewhat understandable questions and comments that I would like to once and for all explain.

Many of these messages have been worried/concerned/somewhat sarcastic questions about my disappearance and lack of posted poetry. I used to be a regularly featured poet on Tumblr’s page (thank you everyone who “liked” and reblogged all of my work!) and all of a sudden, I simply stopped posting a daily rambling. I have kept contact with a few people here, but it seemed as if my followers and discussions via messages/posts took a devastating cut.

I can explain!!!
I recently became an 8th grade AP Reading/Language Arts teacher (dream job, whaddup!!) and it practically consumes my life. I don’t want to just be a “teacher,” but I want to educate and inspire my students on a daily basis. I take my job seriously, it’s not just a career, but a passion to reveal the secrets and power of knowledge and literature to these sponge-like minds sitting so blankly in front of me day after day.
I spend my nights and weekends creating lesson plans, activities, reading logs, projects, anything to get them engaged and exciting about my class, and to be honest, I’m exhausted.

I’m so tired all of the time, I put my heart and soul into teaching, and you can find me, every night around 9pm crawling into bed with a glass of wine, a John Green book, and my two loves (Holden and Lucian) to pass out and revise lesson plans in my mind until I pass out.

So, rest assured, I am NOT DEAD! I just had to take some time to focus on this whole educator endeavor and I realized I need some Samantha time: some time for reading, writing, and all things Star Wars/Doctor Who/Adventure Time/Workaholics related. So tonight I wrote a new poem, it’s long, daunting, and no one will probably read it because I dropped over 5K followers, but hey, all I can say is, I’m sorry.
I hope I can talk to some inspiring and wonderful people out there soon, I’m making it a priority to write daily now, so my ask box is always waiting for musings!!

Guess what, nerds: I’m back.

Ever since I gained a ton of followers I have lost contact with everyone else. It’s almost as if, the more people that follow me, send a really sweet message and then that’s it?

What ever happened to meaningful and stimulating conversations?

Sorry that I’m busy with graduation, teaching, being a bridesmaid, and still trying to make time to breathe.
I loved speaking to everyone and now it’s just a crowd of shallow people who only want to know “what your tattoos mean,” or “are you single?”

Maybe I’m wrong, but I guess I just value genuine conversations of passion and interest, but that’s just me.

I got a call from the Middle school I was hired at and they said that according to the state records, I DON’T have a Reading Endorsement…..and until we get this issue cleared up….THEY CAN’T GIVE ME THE TEACHING JOB!!

Are you kidding me?!

So, I call my University and ask, “WHAT THE CRAP!?” (Well, I might have said it a little more politely) and they said that I do in fact have the Endorsement….but it’s only validated when I graduate….this coming up May.

Did I mention the only thing I have left to complete to graduate is my internship…which this middle school teaching job satisfies?

Today has pretty much been filled with emails, phone calls, crying fits, and panic attacks. I want to curl into a ball and disappear.

I feel like I’m really putting myself out there on Tumblr, like, the real person I am. With my writing, photos, and rants, and even with all of that I’ve lost more followers than I ever imagined.

You know what?
You don’t like what I say, or who I am, then don’t bother following me.

This is me. Love it, or get the hell out of here.

Alright, so I’ve been getting a bunch of messages about my tattoos, so I’m going to say this:

Just because I am a petite girl with tattoos does not mean that I model or even have any interest in modeling. No, I will not describe each tattoo to you in detail; and I never went to hair/makeup school. And I’m glad you like my artwork, but I think you should know:

I’m more than this.

I’m more than just a “girl with tattoos,” and I don’t fit the ridiculous stereotype you’ve created in your mind.

I’m getting my second Master’s degree right now, I work for the Bilingual Education Department for my University, I’m co-writing a Linguistic research textbook, I am a avid writer, publishing my first Poetry collection, and I speak my mind. I have a huge heart and mind, but I’m so sick of being judge simply by how I have chosen to tattoo my body.

I just wish that sometimes people would open their minds a little bit more.

Well, I didn’t get the teaching job I interviewed for today. 

It was a 10th grade Geometry teacher position…..I haven’t taken a Math course in almost 5 years, and I’m certified in English…why waste both our time?

It just gets me down sometimes that all of my friends are starting careers/getting married/having children, and here I am, stuck in my last year of Grad school and in a relationship with someone who doesn’t believe in marriage. 

Well, I think it’s time for some more case study work, an interdisciplinary unit, writing a new poem, and drinking whiskey until I fall asleep. 

There are so many wonderful
words, dreams, and thoughts
swimming through the turbulent
waters of my mind,
but sadly, the gripping fingers
of my depression are beginning
to take a tight hold on my life.

Sometimes I sleep for days,
tossing and turning, tangled
in the cold and lonely linens.
But most nights I stay awake
until the burning sun rises again,
bringing another empty day,
just one more strand of miserable
hours without you here.

I want to write,
I romanticize each day
where I can crawl out of bed,
escape these cotton monsters,
and feel the warmth of these
autumn days on my painted skin.
But to be honest, the furthest
I ever make it is the front porch, to
smoke the sadness from my lungs
with the cancer turning my fingers
a sickly shade of yellow.
Or maybe to the kitchen to pour
another glass of that Tennessee poison
to drown the empty void
from my tired and rotted heart.

I’ve become numb,
absent from my own body and soul.
I know you can see me,
but I’ve disappeared to the
darkest corner of my own tortured mind.

It’s too late,
you can’t save me now.

That ever since I’ve gained so many more followers that the less and less people genuinely speak to me on here.

I get the whole, “You’re too good for me now,” but truth is, people just abandon me.

I guess I’m used to it at this point in my life.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to respond to messages and conversations, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting much poetry and stuff, it’s been a really rough week.

Between my last semester of grad school, teaching, working for the university, commuting, and trying to deal with boyfriend issues, it’s become a little overwhelming.

And I’m sorry if I lost a ton of people because my life has become so terribly demanding, but I promise, I’m not going anywhere.

So, if you would like to try and catch up today, I think I have a bit of spare time between assignments and writing!

I caught my boyfriend texting his ex. Apparently it’s been going on all summer and I had no idea.

How could I have been so stupid?

I hope she was worth the tears you’ve seen me cry.

I have this amazing idea for a poem, but I can’t sort through the words in my mind to make it work!

I try writing it and then it takes a completely new direction and turns into a different scenario.

Dammit. What a stupid rant.

Does this happen to anyone else?

This semester may or may not be the death of me.

• I’m a research assistant for the Bilingual Education Research Department at the University of South Florida researching/collecting data/conducting observations for a new ESOL theory for a textbook.
• I’m a TA at the Master’s level at USF.

I’m speaking at the:

• Tampa Bay Area Writer’s Program conference in September
• The Florida Council for Teacher’s of English Conference in October
• The Florida Readers Association conference next week
• and The Nation Council for Teachers of English in Chicago this November.

Oh, and that’s not including my final two classes for my second Master’s degree, and my two partial internships that I have to complete by the first week of December.

Yeah, I have no idea how I’m going to survive this semester, but all I know is that I’m going to kick so much ass in the next couple of months.

Wish me Luck, I’m going to need it!